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Really, it doesn’t matter which list you fall upon. Be it naughty or be it nice, everyone’s been on the losing end of a holiday gift exchange at one point or another. Yes, perhaps you didn’t skip your pajama’d ass down the stairs Christmas morning just to find a stocking taught with the heavily warned/rarely delivered lump of coal, but it’s a highly documented fact that a certain disconnect exists between the ever-hopeful child (see: greedy) and the well-intentioned gift giver. So we spent the last week asking some of our favorite Chicago-loyal bands and nightlife notables (plus a couple geographical strays) what the shittiest or worst or crummiest present they’ve ever been unlucky enough to receive. Results run the gamut. Also, kudos to the holiday-themed onesies Archie Powell & The Exports were kind enough to don for our above picture. It’s a damn shame we used a $4 disposable to capture the festive moment. Happy Holidays.

Heavy Times | GIFT: Stretch Arm Strong
The worst holiday present I ever received was a Stretch Armstrong Doll. My older brother would use it to tie me up and make me cry. The doll eventually broke in two, when we were fighting over it, and the slime inside gave me a horrible rash. -Bo Hansen

Archie Powell & The Exports | GIFT: Hendrix clothing
Last Christmas my mom got me this awful Jimi Hendrix t-shirt from some department store. It was two-tone and the actual print was this faux-velvety flocked material. I love my mom (and Jimi Hendrix as well), but this was a total air ball. -Archie Powell

AUBURN | GIFT: sweater/magazines
As a kid the worst Christmas present I got was probably a sweater from Lord & Taylor when I was about 8. Because that Christmas I had my fingers crossed for a SNES. Don’t get me wrong, the sweater was more than likely Polo or another great brand and something I would definitely appreciate now, but when your 8 all you really wanna do is play Street Fighter II. -vyle

One year my older brother was dead broke so he gave everyone a bunch of junk from around the house. I got a stack of Thrasher magazines from back in the day and I’m pretty sure most of them were mine in the first place. -Eliot Lipp

KID STATIC | GIFT: non-applicable
Shit man… I hate to disappoint you, but I always liked the gifts I got. If you think about it, you didnt have new shit, then you got new shit, you’re at a plus from the jump. Even if I got socks or some shit, it was like “Yay, now my feet wont be cold,” or “Sweet, now I got something I can put a rock in and hit my older brother with.” The best shit ever? Legos and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle action figures. The year my parents gave them to me, they told me it was the last year I was going to get toys because I was too old for them. I was pissed.

YAWN | GIFT: gift card/anime letdown
In the seventh grade we had a secret Santa “program.” The rules were simple: pick a name out of the hat and dont spend more then $20. This was a formula for disaster. There’s nothing you can get the Pakistani foreign exchange student that you spoke to twice, that wouldn’t seem… weird. Anyway, the day rolls around, everyone in the class is opening their presents, grinning out of kindness, only to discover exactly what they expected (stuffed animal/Taco Bell chihuahua toy/crap from Walgreens). My gift however was in an envelope and I prayed to baby Santa in his manger that it was just a $20 bill. And I got what I wanted… sorta. It was a $20 gift card to Applebees. Fucking APPLEBEES! I didn’t know an Applebees even existed in Chicago. For good reason too ‘cause I went to that Applebees and after my meal I really wished I would’ve just gotten a Taco Bell chihuahua bobble-head doll from Walgreens instead. -Daniel Perzan (right)

When I was younger I was super into Pokémon and I really wanted the Game Boy game Pokémon Gold for Christmas. I told my parents this, however my parent’s don’t speak English, and all they picked up on was the Pokémon part. That Christmas my first present was a Game Boy Color, which got me super excited because I knew what was coming next (Pokémon Gold of course). Then my mom had me open up the next present. It was Pokémon Pinball. And I’m sitting there looking at it and I was almost brought to tears because it wasn’t Pokémon Gold, it was just some whack pinball knock-off. I was super disappointed. -Jorge Perez (second left)

DVAS | GIFT: heartbreak
I got a mug from a girl I was seeing, but I threw it in the garbage when I found out she was fooling around with some dudebox over the holidays … it was NOT a happy new year. -Jered

JOBOT | GIFT: advertising pulp
The crummiest present I ever received was a subscription to Vogue magazine. Reason being, not only am I completely disinterested in the contents of Vogue, but the magazines are MASSIVE. So every month I had this ginormous magazine to dispose of. If i wasn’t diligent about disposing of these magazines immediately when i got them, i would end up with 40 lbs of magazine just chillin’ next to my recycle bin for months. That gift served the sole purpose of being a nuisance each month, for an entire year. -Jojo

The Streets on Fire | GIFT: one sweet ass dirt bike
When I was 12 and my brother Dustin was 10 all we wanted was a 50cc mini dirt bike. So on Christmas my mom pulled up in a delivery van and said,  ”Go ahead and open the back doors.” Inside was a 1987 Yamaha 750 motorcycle. Great right?! “Wait! that’s a little big for two kids who weighed about 100lbs each,” everyone said. But we didn’t care since we had our own motorbike.

So…. “Mom, where’s the key? We want to start it up!”
She replied, “Well my sons, I am going to have to find them…”
“Ah, ok,” we said less enthused.

Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, and still no key. So we would just took turns pushing one another on the bike up and down the driveway. Not quite the same thrill as having the wind hit your face and doing dirt jumps like our neighbors, Little Timmy and Jeff Juran.

We didn’t quite connect the dots till a couple years later when we realized that my Mom (who owned a Repo Business back in those days) had repossessed someone’s motorcycle on Xmas Eve who didn’t pay up, so she took their bike but never got the key. On the other hand, it was probably a smart move not having that key. Otherwise I might not be here to tell this story. But wait, you wanted a shitty Christmas gift story right?! I’m confused. I’m grateful. Wait I’m Super Chad. Love you Mom. -Chadwick Anderson

CREAMTEAM | GIFT: Texas state flag dishtowel set
Grandma Mary always sends terrible gifts. They are the kind of gifts you can’t regift, but she’s family so you can’t donate or throw them out. Amongst the years of Chicken Soup for the Whatever Soul and pebbles inscribed with Precious Moments sketches was the worst of the bunch, a Texas state flag dish towel set. Maybe had I received this now it wouldn’t have been so bad, but as a college freshman living in a dorm room with no kitchen it was more than cheesy, it was totally useless.

Archie Powell & The Exports | GIFT: Parker 2.0
My grandma on my father’s side is notorious for giving bad gifts (Dad isn’t all that better since he’s been known to give self-help books at birthday presents from time to time) and one year Grandma just took the cake. When I was 14 I saw a large box under the tree that wasn’t wrapped in any paper except for a ribbon with a crudely attached beanie baby-type gecko to the top of it. When opened, it revealed a knit blue sweater with a giant Big Bird from Sesame Street on the front of it. I felt like the kid from A Christmas Story when he had to go put on his pink bunny costume. -Adam Melberth

Glittermouse | GIFT: bible
When I was eight or nine, I received a bible from my grandparents with generic black licorice ‘black coal candy.’ What actual entertainment will I receive from the bible? And black licorice, really? That flavor should have been added to the Harry Potter Bertie Botts Jellybeans. Clearly they thought I was a bad child. I’ve learned not to disagree or argue with them ever again..  -Emily Sorlie

Photog Patrick Fahrner | GIFT: fish
Probably a beta fish from my girlfriend in high school. I named it something lame, but my parents insisted on calling it Blue. It came with a really small tank that needed to be cleaned about every three days. So I would obviously wait till the water got brown to clean it, maybe once every other week. I was irresponsible, but regardless, the fish would not die. It came to the point where my parents started leaving notes for me to clean the tank. However, all the notes were signed “Blue”. I actually liked the idea of the fish and thought it was a cool present. But seeing it sit in the brown water was a constant reminder of my own irresponsibility. I was gone for a weekend and left the fish in my parent’s care. Ironically, I came home and he had already passed on to his toilet bowl burial. -Pat

Juiceboxxx | GIFT: self-explanatory

WHEN JAMES BROWN DIED.

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